Why open the relationship? A question that is not so simple
More and more LGTBIQ+ people are considering opening their relationship. It is not always due to dissatisfaction, on the contrary: many times it is born from the desire to experience freedom, honesty and non-normative ways of loving and bonding. But opening the relationship is not saying “do what you want” and that’s it. It requires reflection, agreements and a lot of communication.
Open relationships, polyamory and relational anarchy: are they the same?
Not exactly. Here we leave you a mini guide to understand it better:
💛 Open relationships
A couple (or primary bond) that allows sexual encounters outside the relationship, but without becoming emotionally involved with other people.
💚 Polyamory
Model in which several emotional and/or sexual relationships can be had with the consent and knowledge of all parties. It involves building from honesty and not necessarily hierarchizing.
💙 Relational anarchy
Philosophy that rejects predetermined hierarchies between links. It does not automatically prioritize romantic relationships over friendships or other bonds, and seeks to eliminate imposed social norms about how a relationship “should be.”
Which one do you identify with the most? Or do you prefer not to label it and see what comes of it?
First steps to open the relationship without dying in the attempt
Here are some practical tips to get you started:
1. He talks a lot, a lot
First of all, talk to your partner(s) about:
- Why do you want to open the relationship
- What limits and agreements do you want to establish
- What fears does it generate in you and how are you going to manage them
Don’t leave questions unanswered, but don’t force definitive answers in a single day.
2. Establish clear and reviewable agreements
The agreements are not immovable laws, but they serve as a guide. Some examples:
✔️ Sex only with other people or also emotional dates?
✔️ Are there practices that you prefer to reserve for your relationship?
✔️ Will you always use protection, regardless of the person?
✔️ Will you tell each other everything or just the essentials?
The important thing is that they are consensual, realistic and reviewable over time.
3. Take care of emotional management
Opening a relationship will stir many emotions: jealousy, insecurities, euphoria, fear, compersion (happiness for the other person’s happiness)… They are not “bad” or “good”, they are simply there and should be talked about and managed with respect and without judgment.
4. The importance of community
Talk to people who already live in open, polyamorous, or relational anarchy relationships. Read, get informed and look for LGTBIQ+ support groups where you can share experiences. This will help you not feel out of place or “weird” for questioning monogamy.
Critical perspective: is opening the relationship always liberating?
Although opening relationships is presented as the ideal of freedom and deconstruction, this is not always the case. Some people may feel pressure to open the relationship so as not to lose their partner, or believe that this will solve internal problems. There is also criticism that the same possessiveness or hierarchies can be reproduced as in monogamous relationships, only multiplied. Are we really deconstructing or just changing the setting? The question is left open for you to reflect on.
Common mistakes when opening a relationship
❌ Believing that it will solve relationship problems (spoiler: it amplifies them if they don’t talk)
❌ Do not establish prior agreements
❌ Thinking that you will never feel jealous
❌ Using the open relationship as revenge or control
❌ Not protecting everyone’s sexual and emotional health
Recommended readings for further study
📚 Promiscuous ethics (Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy)
📚 Beyond the couple (Brigitte Vasallo)
📚 Relational anarchy: The revolution from the links (Juan Carlos Pérez Cortés)
Opening the relationship does not make you more evolved nor does it guarantee you happiness. Nor does keeping it closed make you less queer or less free. The important thing is to build from honesty, empathy and listening, without imposing external models. Because in the end, it’s about living your relationships as they really make you feel peace and fulfillment.
